Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder And Anxiety: My Inner Demons.

I’ve been in therapy since I was about 11 years old, and I’m 33 now. I’ve discussed so many of my issues, illnesses, and disorders with so many mental health professionals. I thought I was doing the best I could to make sure I laid everything out on the table to get as mentally healthy as I can.

But recently, I’ve realized that there are major things I still have not tackled in therapy. A few days ago I had an in-person psychiatry appointment - my first one in about six months due to the pandemic. I really just needed to go and give urine (my psychiatrist tests patients to see what’s doing). Giving urine has never been a problem for me - the substance I abused could not show up in urine anyway.

Hours before my appointment I had one of the most severe panic attacks I’ve had in a long time. I did not want to leave the house, my counting and repeating was a 25/10, and there were also tears. I was scared and I was mentally breaking down. I called to try to reschedule the urine testing, but my psychiatrist said I needed to come in because of the testing. So I had no choice. An Uber ride was always an option - my mom is very supportive of my mental wellness and will use her last dime to get me an Uber to where ever I need to go if she knows I’m struggling. But even that did not make me feel much better.

In my panic, I came to a major realization - I have serious obsessive-compulsive disorder and I have not discussed it in the last 20 years of my therapy and psychiatry sessions. It is debilitating. It stops me from functioning. The main reason I have not talked about it is that just saying it out loud gives me anxiety. It scares me. I do not want to go there.

But I need to. It’s one thing to have something that you can cope with and still get through your day. But this problem of mine has stopped me from doing things I need to do. I’ve had panic attacks in public where I get dizzy and physically cannot move. That is a problem. I think now that I’m a better person mentally than I was 20 years ago, I need to tackle it. I truly don’t know how, and I’m terrified. But it needs to be done.

I have to keep telling myself that.